It is always a tad disheartening when you see fighting and griping within the fetish lifestyle and industry – the fighting in regards to kink shaming. It happens because someone finds offense with the topic that turns someone else one.
We aren’t exactly seen around the world as the beacons of morality – should we really be fighting and trying to destroy each other from within our own industry?
The vanilla world stands united with their very loud voices of hate and disgust towards sex workers and fetish lifestyle lovers. At one time this really was a Live and Let Live, type of community – but with the current political climate – it seems the poo flinging is only getting worse…WITHIN our ranks.
I’ve spoken out on this topic before, but it seems to be creeping up into my time line again. There is a HUGE difference between being a hateful bigot (racist, homophobic, any kind of -ism or -phobic you can think off) and just engaging in kink and fetish. I am a sex worker, I wouldn’t be able to thrive in this world without having a strong backbone. I speak out for fetishists in the same way that I will speak out for anyone that is the target of hate.
What is kink shaming?
Anytime you decide to pass judgement on consenting adults for engaging in a kink that gets their jollies off…you are kink shaming.
I don’t know why I have to say this so many times but – WHATEVER HAPPENS BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS IS NONE OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
Of course, enter in social media, and suddenly it becomes everyone’s business and subsequently everyone’s ‘right to judge’.
Truth be told, there ARE some fetishes that I too wrinkle my nose up at. But, I choose to walk away and play with those that I do enjoy – rather than insert my own feels into it. At the end of the day that is all you are doing, inserting your own feels. Your feels and my feels are best used against the actual bigots of the world that seems to make them feel accepted (the vanilla world 😉 )
Need some examples of kink shaming? I’ll pull from my own personal experiences:
I engage in a lot of abdl training and fetish play – I have had comments made about me paving the path for child rapists and pedophiles. I don’t…ABDL HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PEDOPHILIA. I really just want to carve “NO IT FUCKING ISN’T” into a bat and swing it at someone every time they make those comments. That is a little dramatic, but I hear it quite a bit.
Many of my sissyslut players or my homoerotic fantasy players want to hear certain trigger words that put them up over that edge. In the vanilla world, those words would be unacceptable, and I would never use them.
I’ll engage in a humiliation exposure and financial domination game that involves twitter or some other public post – and I’ll get a message of how unethical it is – even when the accuser has ZERO idea of what the scene boundaries entail.
I’ll throw up a message regarding broke fuck bois and get messages about how I shouldn’t kick people who are already down. I’ve seen many of the top industry girls receive some hate thrown their way for comments like that. (Those comments are…well I have my theories of why they say it but, not the time nor place. LOL)
I’ll create a homewrecker clip or audio and see responses saying that “any domme that breaks up a home isn’t a real domme” – You have NO IDEA what the homewrecker fantasy/fetish is … if you think that is ALL it is and I despise comments that include “you are not a real domme if…” – “only real dommes….”
No…Real dommes do whatever they fuck they want dear. It’s in the definition. Please look it up in your closest fetish dictionary.
Are you a fetish play sex worker that ‘forces’ a sissy to suck a strap on? Some loved that ‘forced’ experience but we know there Is still consent and an understanding at the beginning. Why not scream that is rape? Does it not play into certain political agendas or personal feels?
Why is it ok for fetish players and not ok for everyone else? What makes it different?
Because they specifically ask for it. Not in the way misogynistic assholes will say a girl wearing a mini skirt in an ally way was asking for it…they used their words – they asked for it. They want it. They are just heavily charged words used in a moment of ecstasy. Because for most, especially in the world of phone sex and custom clips … anything goes…you just have to ask for it first.
I can easily look to a group of my girls and say ‘love you bitches’ or ‘whores for life’ but if someone outside the group says it with ill intent or perceived ill intent — they would be verbally destroyed.
SOME plays cross boundaries – SOME workers will give a bad name to the industry (that already has a bad name anyway) – but those are SOME. The established ones work within the boundaries of CONSENT.
If you are hot and heavy in the bedroom, and you are screaming to your lover to choke you, smack you on the ass or call you a bitch/slut … its just play. If you did that shit with someone you didn’t know – all hell will break loose. The difference is CONSENT.
Everything points back to consent.
The difference between BDSM and Abuse? Consent
Difference between naughty words and harassment? Consent
Difference between a homophobic racist and sissy that wants to suck on a well endowed BBC? Consent
Everything points back to consent.
I do need to insert the fact that some clips and fetishes really do cater to hate and those are more extreme. You will have that anywhere you go, with anything you do. The occasional BBC Worshiping sissy, isn’t a hate monger. The sex worker or clip artist that puts that out there, isn’t a hate monger either.
It’s always hard to add that point in, because then you have to ask – where do you draw the line?
Draw it where ever you want. Just turn and walk away – don’t engage…and don’t bait. Understand that there will be kinks you don’t like or personally approve of…but keep political agenda’s and personal feels out of it.
But what about the actual racists that play? What about those into underage stuff? – what did I say about consent? Underage can’t consent—what did I say about consent? You’ll never be able to stop actual racists from looking to play, and they will have someone out there that will indulge their racist fantasies.
Some will say “you are just as bad as they are” – those are words we expect from non-sex workers and those that hate anything to do with kink and fetish. Those aren’t words we expect to hear from our fellow sex workers.
I would also turn the tables and ask why you don’t go after the male artists that post clips with slave girls, bound and gagged and whipped – called every name in the book. *Again, no hate, no shade…just a basis for comparison* – Why do we as female sex workers ultimately attack other female sex workers?
Would I use those words day to day? Absolutely not. Truth is, there are a few that I won’t say in session either, regardless of what they are begging for.
Why not take in the whole picture? Is hate something someone spews on a regular basis? Or does it look like a genre/niche specific posting.
Who is buying it? Someone is…MANY are – because it’s what they are into for one reason or another.
Side note: Some fetishists are the way they are because of very negative experiences that they had when they were younger and their brain turned it around and fetishized it to better deal. If that is something that helps them deal – why kink shame?
I don’t care if a person wants to eat shit, I care if people treat each other like shit.
Let’s not kink shame our fellow sex workers and further alienate some clientele that just need a release with a little seemingly taboo play. Taboo is where the fun is for them. Taboo is where the release is. Taboo will be defined differently for everyone. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to engage in it. Things that make my stomach turn – I don’t engage in and will turn clients away. One of the beauties of the industry.
Don’t engage in hate, don’t spread hate and bigotry .
We can’t expect the world to take us seriously, if we continue to teach each other down internally.
Live and Let Live. I believe Kink could cure most of the worlds problems with a good orgasmic release (or some intentionally sexual frustration) – we are all in this together.
Don’t kink shame – this is an area you can indulge in your kink with the confines of safe, secure consent. We are all equal – all is fair in love and kink…with consent.